Dreams.

The blue hill- favorite place to dream

I am a dreamer; a visionary. I see things in the way that they could be. Then I think of the practical steps to take something for what it is, to the something it could be. I dream about anything from an old house, a room, my future, or a vacation. I have difficulty focusing on the now. I can't even go a few minutes with out slipping into a day dream.

This dreaming is a part of me. Get ready to know me a little bit better. What are blogs for, right?

Lately I have been focusing on the unknown of the future. I feel as though I am searching into the unknown for the attainable as well as the unattainable. At this point in life, it feels temporary. I have a longing for consistancy in life; a sense of permanency. Yes I have a house, yes I have an amazing job I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. However, both aren't going to be there for the long run. Where will I be in five to ten years? Maybe before then? I have trouble with the unknown. I want to create a plan for myself, even though it is hypothetical. It sure makes for fun possibilites!

I also dream of what is expected of me. I feel like I can be doing so much more. Who am I called to be? What does God have in his plans for me? How can I make his dream and mine align? He has the way of opening a door, I walk through and all-of-a-sudden I realize, wow. This was his plan all along. I find myself constantly being impatient. Ministry is the road we have been called to. Where, when, and how must now all be defined. I remind myself it's not in my timing. Trusting has come to a completely different level every day. Trust. Worry. Trust. Worry. Trust. The cycle continues. But no matter what, He has me in mind.

I want to be a servant, a volunteer, kind-hearted, giving, gracious. If there has been one person that has shown me to give selflessly, it would be Lindsay. She would give anything for someone. I have seen my self change just watching her. I look forward to serving. Long hours, pain, tears falling over those that I feel broken for, victories, and learning even more to trust completely. It scares me sometimes, but I know its a part of my DNA- who I was created to be. I was not made to be average. I was made to be extrodinary. So were you, just maybe in a different way. If I were to make a difference in one life, it would be worth it. Everyday I am so grateful I answered to that God-shaped hole. I have been on both sides and would never chose to go back.

I dream of homes, future, and ministry. But what of another great desire? Family. Children.

Each time I hear of someone that's pregnant, I become filled with Joy. I couldn't be happier and proud of that person. But for a moment, in the secret depth of my heart, my world comes crashing down. My emptiness grows and I ache for something that is not yet mine. I become composed and move on to what I do best. Dream. What can I make for your little blessing? It's not yet my time.

You see, I want the priveledge to stay home with my own little blessing. I want to do crafts together, have picnics, tea parties, bake, laugh at their made up words, take an unbelievable amount of pictures, go to the zoo... I want to feel like a child again with the innocence they bring.

I woke up this morning struggling to get out of bed, just one more hour would be great. Then I thought, I look forward to the day when I have had 4 hours of sleep in the last week, when I can barely pick my feet up, and when my head is pounding, to walk up to a crib with a tear covered child smiling because I'm there. But it's not yet my time.

I'm not only excited for parenthood because of the experiences I will have, I am am excited to give my child what I didn't have. An amazing, loving father that's there. I grew up with my mom as a single parent. Not until I was older did I have a father close to me. I have confidence in who my husband will be as a father. I know that my children with have the best of the best. I wonder if they will have his hair, his eyes, his smile...

Now back to reality. I dream because its not yet my time and I am anxiously waiting.

I'm thankful for all of the mothers I know. You have set a great example for me and who I hope to become as a mother in the future. You inspire me, challenge me, and constantly make me laugh.

Back to right now. I have to stop myself and take in every moment before its gone. I love right now. I am grateful for right now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize this life is for real.

How's that for vulnerable? I must not be the only one that feels this way...

{S}